What They Won’t Tell You: The Reality of Following Your Dreams
The F word no one wants to hear…Failure.
"Fall six times, get up seven."
"Failure shouldn’t define you, but it can help shape you."
"Don’t make the wrong choice, you’ll forever regret it and ruin your life."
How can it be humanly possible to succumb to such contradictory expectations in our society? And they wonder why certain generations—*cough cough* millennials and Gen Z—have such a tremendous fear of failure?
Failure is a strong word. It’s probably the scariest “f” word in the book for a lot of us. Failure in life is to be expected, yet we put pressure on ourselves to never experience it. To be perfect at everything we try the first time around. When we aren’t, we give up and move on to something else that we will do perfectly on the first go. As a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser, I’ve been learning some tough lessons around this "f" word. As a spiritualist fiercely trying to follow my “destiny,” this becomes an interesting dilemma. We’re taught to trust in God, the Universe, or whomever, and take uncertain leaps of faith with the expectation that all will turn out in divine order.
Well…this is a little story about the time I said "f**k it," took the leap of faith into the inviting arms of the Universe, fell through those arms like deceptive fluffy clouds that appear solid and luscious but are nothing but tiny particles, and landed on my ass.
I’m not here to bash the Universe because, while my faith has wavered every so often, I am proven time and time again why things happen the way they do. Sometimes it takes longer to understand than I’d like, but eventually, it really does fall into place. At least, that is what I keep choosing to believe, because why not?
If you have read anything else from me, you may already be aware that finding my purpose in life is something I did not take lightly to the point where it consumed a lot of my early adulthood and into my 20s. One winter evening, sitting on my bed in my grandparent’s basement, my life purpose hit me. After years of searching, meditating, switching college majors, and experiencing a major spiritual awakening, it finally hit me: Life Coaching. Yep, all it took that day was some research on the career field, and I was sold. I found an institution, enrolled in certification courses, and was on my way. It was amazing. I loved every part of it, and there was no doubt that this was what I was made for.
The only problem was that it’s not exactly a career path where you can simply graduate, fix up your resume, apply for a life coaching job, and make enough to afford to live on the planet. This is one of those careers where you’d better be prepared to start your own business from scratch. As someone who has always been interested in entrepreneurial ways, I was excited about the idea. But as a fresh college graduate at 22, I wildly underestimated what this kind of endeavor actually entails. As a young early twenties know-it-all, I figured, how hard can it really be?
Well, let me tell you, life sure can get in the way of our dreams sometimes. Two full-time jobs in corporate healthcare later, with no business or coaching clients to show for it, it took me not just one, not two, but three years to get my ass in gear and launch my business to the world. While there were other circumstances, a lot of it came down to a fear of failure. A lack of trust in myself and in the Universe. Sure, I was receiving some pretty clear signs that pointed to “take the leap and do it,” but I was so afraid and lacked a lot of knowledge on the business front. So, I kept procrastinating for three whole years. I chipped away at tasks slowly during that time, making some progress: building a website, acquiring another certification, gaining coaching hours with peers, taking courses, teaching myself how to start a business online, etc., but ultimately, the big leap meant one of the most crucial factors to obtaining a successful business: marketing.
Marketing not some product that will change your life, but marketing MYSELF. Online. To strangers, family, and friends. Mind you, I hadn’t had any sort of social media in over five years. I knew nothing about algorithms, making reels and TikToks, gaining followers, or selling a service I provide in hopes of standing out from millions of others trying to do the same thing. I was essentially a senior citizen with subpar tech-savvy skills trying to navigate all the platforms at one time. The marketing thing had me scared shitless. While strangers were one thing, having to do this with those who know me best watching me stumble and strip my dignity away online for all to see still makes my booty hole wince in cringy-ness.
But, I had had enough waiting around, hoping to be saved by some external force to make my dreams come true and wanting to change lives through coaching. I realized I am the only force that is going to save myself. So, I put on my big girl panties, buckled down, and got to work. I was determined to make this work. Once I got the hang of the social media thing, I actually kind of enjoyed it. It was a fun creative project. The views and likes (though small) were an exhilarating combination of fear, excitement, and hope. I tried to hide it from as many people I knew as long as possible, but with those lovely recommendation alerts the platforms put out, it was only a matter of days before everyone could see what I was doing. While some were supportive, I could feel the evil eyes from others. I persisted, knowing that not even half of them would have the guts to put themselves out there like I was. I was immersed in trying to make this successful. Tirelessly researching social media marketing tactics, making connections to successful coaches online, and even considering paying one of them $11k (I know, another booty hole wince—don’t worry, I didn’t) for their “program,” I was slowly getting sucked into the abyss of selling my soul to social media in order to be seen by my ideal clients.
As much as I despised most of the cringey trends for videos, it seemed like every content creator’s videos were all alike, just to try and flow with the algorithm to be seen by as many people as possible, making them as much money as possible. While I tried to keep my content unique, it seemed that they were all right. The only way to have decent exposure by your audience to therefore grow your audience was to hop on the trends while they were hot, before the algorithm would switch up and spit you out into no man’s land. From precise posting times to aesthetically pleasing cover photos, I was straying farther and farther away from my authenticity and falling deeper into the “I am a business owner but now I also have to be an influencer” category. It didn’t take long for me to become more concerned with my online presence than my actual business because it seemed like that was the only key to success.
I was certainly still persisting in other tactics, from setting up flyers and business cards to hosting free workshops and coaching sessions and more, but nothing seemed to be working. I was getting burnt out. I was doing my best to follow my inner guidance. It seemed the Universe was telling me in every way to keep going, that my hard work would pay off. But it never did. I was getting ghosted by warm leads, sheepishly posting flyers around my city, pulling out every stop I knew how to at the time, with no return on investment. I didn’t want to be the person who makes a fool of themselves online by taking risks, have it flop in front of everyone, and have no success doing it, but it seemed that’s the direction I was headed. I didn’t want to admit it was a failure, but that is certainly what it felt like. Every day I woke up feeling excited that maybe today is the day I get a client. Maybe today is the day the Universe shows me that my trusting in it was not in vain.
Then life happened. I got married, moved, and more time passed. Reality set in that this was not making me any money, and that was something I needed.
In one last-ditch effort to try a new approach to my business, I signed up and paid for a three-day virtual event to learn from professionals who had a successful coaching school that helps other coaches set up their businesses. I paid $111 and essentially wasted three days of my life to sit through nothing but a never-ending sales pitch for their “school.” Their entire premise of these three days was to sprinkle tiny, practically useless nuggets of business strategy information to hundreds of aspiring entrepreneurs who were all vulnerable and desperate for business advice. It didn’t take long for me to see through that it was just another sales pitch, and they weren’t teaching us anything other than about what their supposed program could do for us. To say I was angry is an understatement. I had had enough of this industry. No one seemed to be in it to actually help people by using tried and true coaching methodologies and trainings to champion clients to change their lives. It was just self-proclaimed, certification-less “coach” after “coach” attempting to sell you their programs that cost as much as a down payment on a house for no real useful tools to navigate life’s challenges.
All this to say, my three-year incubated business baby had failed. I lost my authenticity in the algorithms of Instagram and battled some serious inner demons when I willingly put myself out into the ether to be judged. And to top it off, I didn’t make a single penny, but lost quite a few in the process.
By Merriam-Webster’s definition, “omission of occurrence or performance; lack of success,” it was a failure. Yes, you bet I wallowed in it and still look back on this endeavor wanting to dissolve into a bush from embarrassment from time to time, but the truth is, we need to reshape our perception around failure. We can either let it consume us and continually avoid crossing paths with this "f" word again (which I pondered for a while), or we can learn from it and honor the parts where we showed courage in trying. The biggest lesson for me was that I went about this business launch in the way I felt I had to and should do because that is what everyone else said you have to do to reach any sort of success. I no longer consider my actual business a failure because it wasn’t. I am not giving up on this dream. However, the real failure is that I did not stay true to my authenticity.
While I may never know if I don’t word something in the “correct marketing term way” if I will have success in attracting my kind of people, I will have learned from this part of my life and stay true to what I believe in, and not fall victim to fitting in with the crowd, amongst a multitude of other lessons learned on the business and relationship front. While I may have fallen on my ass, the Universe still caught me (unfortunately just not with fluffy cloud arms and a pile of cash). My pride got a little bruised, but I came out alive with more wisdom under my belt.
The moral is, the "f" word is bound to happen in life, and we all know it. But what fun is life if we don’t make any sort of attempt at chasing our dreams? I challenge you to make a new memory so when we near the end of this life, you will know you tried something you have always wanted to, even if it is some sort of “fail.” Even if it’s something as simple as wanting to learn the guitar. Maybe it’s a trainwreck, but you learn that the ukulele is your calling instead. I guarantee you that if it doesn’t turn out the way you hoped, you will grow as a person and have a new tool in your belt to use for the next attempt that will succeed.
Actionable Steps for Embracing Failure and Staying Authentic:
Reflect and Learn: After a failure, take some time to reflect on what went wrong and what you can learn from it. Journaling and meditation can be a helpful tool for this. For me, it took about 6 months of recovery time just to pick myself back up, understand where I may have gone wrong, and try again (hence this blog).
Stay True to Yourself: Regularly check in with yourself to ensure you’re staying true to your values and not just following trends or external expectations.
Seek Support: Don’t be afraid to reach out for support from friends, family, or mentors. Sometimes an outside perspective can provide valuable insights.
Take Small Steps: Break down your big goals into smaller, manageable steps. Celebrate each small win along the way.
Be Kind to Yourself: Remember to be patient and kind to yourself. Failure is part of the journey, not the end of it.
My Personal Mantra:
"Authenticity over approval." Staying true to yourself is more important than seeking validation from others.
I’d love to hear from you! Have you ever faced a fear of failure or struggled with staying authentic? How did you handle it? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.