How Spirituality Saved My Life, Then Ruined It
Ah, the world of spirituality. Once a topic so taboo, you’d be burned at the stake, now a topic so vast we collect special rocks and pay people to read our futures.
If you're anything like how I was before deep diving into spirituality, you'd probably heard about intuition, psychics, and all that jazz. I had always loved and had a fascination for the paranormal and metaphysical realm, had vivid dreams, and a deep sense of meaning (despite not knowing what that was). However, as a 90s baby, this was not something that was welcomed to be explored in my household. My household, like many others, followed the typical path: do what you can to fit in, follow the rules, get an education, join the rat race, have kids, and eventually... die. So, I did my best to follow those guidelines. That’s what we're supposed to do, right?
But there was something inside me that had died a long time ago. Somewhere in my development, I gave up doing what I loved as a kid, like being a free spirit, standing up for what I believed in, drawing, dreaming of being a fashion designer or artist, or even becoming a writer. It wasn’t an overnight change, but a slow death over time—a dream-killing plague called society. Over time, corrupt belief systems began to settle in: “Artists can’t make money,” “You have to be realistic,” “Magic isn’t real,” to name a few. So, I explored my seemingly limited options post-high school and, like many, went to college to find a career path that would bring me some security later in life.
First Taste of Freedom
College was my first taste of freedom. It didn't take long before I realized my home environment was less than healthy. I'll spare the details of my childhood traumas, but they all began to surface. Soon, I was dabbling in mind-numbing substances, and my mental health tanked.
One day during my second year of college, amid rock bottom, I felt the random urge to try meditating. I had never done it before, and I don’t know what prompted the idea other than looking for a way to escape my troubled mind. As I lay in bed with a YouTube meditation soundtrack playing through my headphones, I began to get urgent visions of owls—every species, size, and color, even some that don’t exist in our physical world. These images flooded my mind. While I have always loved birds, the kinds of owls I was seeing were never any I’d seen in real life. I felt my entire body buzzing and surging with energy. What was happening? I stopped the soundtrack and decided it was time for bed, but every time I closed my eyes, I still saw owls. What a weird experience…
A New Obsession
The next morning, I picked up my phone to start the day with some random scrolling- as any productive day begins (ha). One of the first images that popped up on my Pinterest was of an owl. Alright, there is really something going on here. I decided to hop on Google and see if owls held any meaning. What I found blew my mind. "Owl spirit guides," "death and rebirth," etc. Was this real? Did I just have some sort of otherworldly and spiritual experience? From that day on, I meditated every day, yearning to experience it again. This gave me a renewed sense of purpose and a mission to learn more.
Experiencing Synchronicities
Fast forward a few months, my life was still somewhat in shambles, but my mind was slowly beginning to feel better. Now I was seeing repeating numbers that happened to be my birthdate. It seemed coincidental, but days passed, and I saw the numbers constantly. Like the owl experience, I took a look on Google. OMG, there are angel numbers too?! Angels and spirit guides were communicating with me through numbers with different meanings? This was insane but so cool.
From then on, synchronicities spiraled into my life, and I was hooked on this new way of finding deeper meaning. Animals, colors, flowers, numbers—you name it, I wanted to know more from a spiritual perspective. I was obsessed. Next, some big changes rolled in. I dropped out of college, moved away from home, got a job, cut my hair, got into therapy—the whole deal. The more I dove into spirituality, the more I was determined to change my life and find my true self. I shed my entire old life—family, friends, environments, body, everything. I learned that the last 18-ish years of my life were a delusion. To sum it up, spirituality saved me. I finally felt a reason to live again.
Down the Rabbit Hole
As my spiritual journey continued, I fell deeper down the rabbit hole. Spirituality had me in a chokehold and took another turn for the worse. When I discovered spirituality, I thought everything would be love and light as long as I followed the guidance I received. WRONG. I became obsessed. I was paying psychics left and right to help me make decisions. My ego was wrapped up in the idea that I was gifted enough to have these experiences. I felt like a prophet and wanted to tell everyone about it. I could do no wrong; I was living a spiritual life! I began to lose myself in an entirely different way. I took people-pleasing to a new level, trying to please the Universe, finding meaning in things I had no business looking for. For example, I might see a pattern of leaves on the ground that looked like a dragon, Google the meaning, and suddenly believe I was destined to move to a remote island to train as a shaman. Or I would have a dream about a giant talking mushroom and think it meant I needed to quit my job and start a mushroom farm. I even had a psychic tell me that my mismatched socks were disrupting my spiritual energy. Okay, I am joking about those. But seriously, I was finding meaning in absolutely everything. In hindsight, this was nonsense, but I let it dictate my life. I was looking for validation everywhere outside of myself, feeding my ego and hoping someone or something else would tell me what to do. I let YouTube tarot reading outcomes dictate my mood for days. If a reading told me someone was lying to me, I would spiral, looking for clues. If a reading told me to expect a windfall of money, I’d be elated until disappointment hit when it didn’t happen. This went on for years.
Finding Balance
Despite some amazing, unexplainable, and joyous moments, I was still lost and confused, desperate for answers. I experienced repeated difficult lessons with people and jobs until I started noticing patterns and grew in my self awareness.
I began to use a little something called discernment, and decided maybe I shouldn’t let strangers tell me how I should live my life. Or not to listen to the self proclaimed psychics on the Internet telling me to buy their blessed sage or else my home would be haunted by demons.
While some of these downfalls through spirituality may seem ominous, I wouldn’t trade them for anything. They led me to a better understanding of life and of myself, with an appreciation for the journey- even if I do look back and cringe from time to time. I finished my education, have flourishing (yet discerning) relationships, discovered my spiritual gifts, lived around the country, and experience multiple manifestations daily. Through it all, I’ve learned to live a truly spiritual life—quietly and purely—without fearing the worst from every sign or symbol. The only validation I need is from myself, and it's up to me to control my decisions and destiny. I found balance between reality and what lies beyond it. I found the beauty and flow of life again, as it should be- with the occasional WTF days, as we all experience- Through it all, it led me to this moment in time, sharing these weird ass experiences with you.
Conclusion
Our paths look different, but I hope sharing my journey (in a small abbreviated nutshell) can give you some comfort or help you see past the delusions in the spiritual space. Have you experienced similar things? Has spiritual knowledge driven you to the brink of madness, particularly through the dark corners of the Internet? If you need help finding your true self, please don’t hesitate to message me on my Work With Me page. Let’s navigate this journey together.